Do not weep by my grave...

moved.

2005-10-31T07:17:00.000-08:00

the dreamer has moved on
and it's my turn to shine
even the best of things
must eventually die

but i'm not lost forever
and it's not just for today
and there's always a light
there is always a way

http://www.jaded-perfection.blogspot.com

2005-10-31T02:00:00.000-08:00

Your dark side is centered around Pain. You feel
you want to scream and cry, want to leave this
place and run away from everything but you
can't, you are trapped inside your head and
there is no way out. All you want is a
beautiful unique mind just like you, can listen
and understand so you can full your world with
happiness and peace. You will find what you
want when you simplify your life and stop
looking to the dark side.

What is the center of your dark core? (updated)
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a True Warrior. You're often artistic
because you need some way to get rid of the
pains of your past. When someone pisses you
off, you tend to take out some of your
frustration on the foe. Just be careful you
don't go too far with that anger.

What Kind Of Warrior Are You? (Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

heyy.

2005-10-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

what happened to my shoutouts? they didnt appear...sheesh.
I'm bored. I'm at Alex and Julia [my cuzzies]'s house now, and I'm being majorly bored out. Nothing to do...maybe surf for pics, but even that isnt much fun. *sighs* Somebody help me...no-one's talking to me on msn, and mom's coming and we're going to keppel club and arrrghhh. I'm just bored. Sheesh.
Well. my lame bro is pestering me now. Why can't everyone just leave me alone?! And I feel really guilty, cos today I ate a handful of coco pops, a waffle, a can of wintermelon tea, a pear and two mandarin oranges. And that's an awful lot.
Anyways. I don't even feel like tagging on A-U. Revon and Aerlinn and Aemor and Tuil are there...and it's all pretty drama there, and I think I'm gonna feel pretty left out if I start talking. So yeah. I shall lurk in the shadows and watch...as always.
Elemm's leaving for holidays tomorrow morning. Sheesh.
oh ack mom's here...gtg!

gosh.

2005-10-27T06:08:00.001-07:00

heyy. I HATE ARTIFICIAL JUICE! Gosh. Today at school we had this crappy juice-drinking competition. Oh...clarification: It wasn't even juice. It was just overly sweet, flavoured, artificial water and it was GROSS. I nearly spat it all out at my first swallow. And I'm not one to exaggerate.
Somehow, I managed to drink my way through 7 of those damned things. I don't know how I did it without sicking all over everyone or passing out on the canteen table. Yes. It was that bad. After that, I just felt totally nauseous and even more so when I thought about all that unneccessary SICKLY SWEET stuff sloshing around inside of me. And before that, we had been given a talk about EATING AND DRINKING HEALTHILY. I mean, like, go figure. Sheesh.
Anyway. So I accompanied Avveh to the bathroom, and the both of us forced ourselves to throw out. And no, we are NOT bulimic. Just in case anyone was wondering^^ And I did feel better after that, anyhow. Maxy did too. *grins* And somehow, I think that Avveh takes a certain pride in how much she managed to throw out.

0__0 Oh deah. We do sound like we're some freaks with disorders. But we're not. Really. *glances out of window* Gosh. Lightning.

*twitches* I haven't eaten in almost 12 hours...since recess, that is. I need food...there's fried rice downstairs and it's oh-so-tempting but I'm not skinny enough as it is. And there's class party tomorrow! So much chips and fatty stuff...gosh. I don't think I'll be able to resist.

Well. gtg now. There's lightning and thunder outside as it is, and I need to get the CAP portfolio done. I'm hungry!! Ahh heck. I'm going to grab a bite of fried rice now. Namarie!

gosh.

2005-10-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

ramblings.

2005-10-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

hmm. i just read shuu's blog, and was inspired to write a long rambly post. So I shall, but I may not be able to finish it cos it's 11.14, which is still pretty early, but yeah. *hears phone beeping* *goes to check* Oh it's Avveh...she sent me her charrie bio thingy. I feel like quoting it down here since I really am rambling anyway-- but I shan't since I do want to get home from school tomorrow in one piece, y'know.

Anyway. I just came off a-u chat. Twas kinda fun...I got a new sis! ^^ Nancy-- and she's very nice. And Seld and Brandin and Light and I talked about escaping from reality through role-playing. It was a random topic, and I can't remember how exactly it came up, but we all expressed our views over it. Brandin was complaining bout how most people's rp charries always end up depressed and lost[*coughcough*], and how he has to act happy all the time. And I replied that it wasn't any point just putting on a mask of happiness if we aren't happy at all. Cos eventually, that mask will crack and the entire facade will just slip away. And we'll only end up feeling worse. Seems that almost everyone goes to a-u to escape from reality. It was a strange feeling when I thought about it that way; and it made us all sound like a bunch of depressive suicidal escapists. Which we aren't, really. We're only looking for something better.

Speaking of which-- there was this song in Christmas service today [yes, two months early] that really struck me. It was entitled 'love song', and it's just really really awesome. I felt like crying, but I wouldn't have because everyone would have stared at me like I'm some kind of freak. I mean, c'mon. Crying in a christmas service. Wow. And the song 'we were the reason' touched me too...'specially the line about 'on a dark and cloudy night-- a man hung crying in the rain'. Just imagine. Jesus. Crying. I just...can't describe it.
And the Singapore youth for christ came as well. And I think I shall sign up for the carolling camp that they're organising. I'm torn, though. Should I go and sing at the country clubs, or the old folk's homes? I want to sing at the clubs-- cos it'll be exciting and bound to be a blast. And at the same time-- I have this feeling that I should be singing at the homes instead. *sighs* I really don't know. I'll work something out- maybe I could organise a carolling session at the homes with my youth service peeps instead.

Back to the topic. You know...today I finally realised that suicide means that you go to hell. No matter how holy or good you were in your life...it's a one way ticket to hell, as soon as you commit suicide. Which is really, really scary if you think about it. I mean...last time we had this convo about which unnatural way would be the best way to die. Definitely not drowning. Trust me; I almost drowned twice, and it's NOT a nice experience. I still think carbon monoxide poisoning is the best. You just feel drowsy, and then...*zip*...that's it. You're gone.

Sometimes it's really hard to live on...but I'd be a coward if I turned away and tried to kill myself. I guess everyone flirts with death, at some point or other in their lives. But the thing is..we gotta move on.

Next topic. Some times I feel weird. Like, I'm the only one I know who has an obsession with rp friends and the like...who reads Forgotten Realms...who had imaginary friends and stuff like that. Am I weird, or am I weird? *adds hastily* Don't answer that question. It was a rhetorical question-- and besides, I don't think I want to hear the answer. But I can't help it. Will I ever grow up? And I guess I'm growing, but I still love getting lost in my own world. Call it starry-eyed dreaming, or escapism, or anything you want. Whatever it is-- I hope I won't grow out of it soon. Yes, I may be viewed as a freak because of it-- but without imagination-- what will we all amount to? I have no desire to become a subdued, strict and unimaginative person in the future. what a nightmare...to become the one thing I hate the most. And fantasy does help me to escape sometimes. It's a wonderful way of easing the pain, when reality strikes you down.

*yawns* I should sleep now. Not a very rambly and long post...but it'll hafta do. 'Night!

slipping.

2005-10-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

"LIE to me," she whispered.
"I love you," he said.

i can't wait until all this is over
until i can breathe again
all of you just keep holding me under
and we end up at the place where we began

and no-one really cares
as long as we SMILE

of duels and desktops.

2005-10-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

Heya again.
*grins* Don't believe a single word that Nic says! She's weird. I think the heat must have touched her mind. I mean-- I don't like Smeagol!!! [on a-u] I mean-- c'mon. Give me some credit, yeah? My taste isn't that bad. And at least I'm not like Nic...she had some weird guy called Eruestan go up to her on tag yonks ago and kiss her hand and call her 'my fair lady' and all that. *shudders*

Yesterday I had fun...was doing CAP portfolio and duelling on a-u at the same time. Since my comp kept screwing up tag and giving me the whitescreen, I had to go on chat to finish up my duel with Kindan. We had a great duel, and I've saved the convo somewhere...*smirks*...but it'll be over my dead body when I show it to you all. Which, loosely translated, means never. *laughs* Yes...but in the end we called it a draw. And we just spent the rest of the time talking about our histories and stuff like that. Which was a refreshing change from duelling, truth be told. Hmm. And we always speak in rather formal tones. I shall show you just a sample of our convo...
Kindan> In Gondor...Dol Amroth especially,pure blood, and noble blood at that, is prestigious.
Kindan> However, impure blood, such as my mother's and mine... is scorned.
Tanaquil> Discrimination. *her voice hardens slightly* The bane of humanity itself.
Kindan> *nods*
Tanaquil> *looks up at him, the cold aloofness melting from her gaze momentarily* Your story is a tragic one...and yet you must remember that there are still those who see not your appearance...but your heart and all that lies within.
Kindan> *smiles slightly* I know...I've met a few already.
Tanaquil> *laughs quietly* And I am one of them, I hope.
Kindan> Most certainly. *grins at her*

** Yes, and so that is the sort of language that we use. I don't mind it, really...it sort of grows on you after a while. Although it sounds really strange when I put it that way.
*glances at comp clock and sighs* Well. I really should be going now. Now to drag Nienna aka Nicole Chan off the computer and off blogger.com, and to get back home.
*waves* Namarie!

only me

2005-10-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

Current Update: At Maxine's house; on the comp now with Ting and Jae lounging on Maxy's bed reading my messages and poking into my personal life.
Gahhh. ISO....*twitches*...I can't find a suitable layout. It sucks-- bigtime. Oh...and I'm tempted to tell ya all my ISO thesis statement for next year. But I shall not. And you shall hafta wait till next year to find out.
Guess what? I got people who're gonna join me in my quest on Hidden Realms. So cool. I can't wait. They're Vex, Dornvald Kyrialstine and Mikkel. *laughs*
Well. I'll blog back later. I'm bored out of my wits. And still a little cranky. *random* I love Final Fantasy!

Cya....

keep clear.

2005-10-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

arrrghhh. I'm in a totally crap-a-lot mood right now. I'm going into explode mode, so I'm sorry but please don't get on my last nerve or I might snap and hurt you or something.
It doesn't even feel like friday. what has the world come to-- when friday doesn't feel like friday??
I think I shall make both of my rp charries break up. With Griffin and Vash. It's like-- *sighs*-- I don't know how to say this. But anyways. Next subject.
[ad: visit www.hiddenrealms.net!!] I love Hidden Realms. Although the rping there is pretty slow...it does rock. And I love Forgotten Realms books. [hint hint...my birthday's in January. *laughs* Subtlety is so yesterday.] Yes, and I'm begging my mum to let me get a few other Forgotten Realms books. And I can't wait till I finally get my contact lenses again.

ISO...you're ruining my life.

reality vs fantasy

2005-10-17T00:21:00.000-07:00

Well. I've suddenly got this obsession for collecting pictures and putting them on my photobucket account. <3>

Well. Let's just say that yesterday wasn't exactly very pleasant. The lame thing about me is that I cry kind of easily. Not that I want to, of course...but whenever I'm upset or angry, the tears just come--whether I like it or not. And I really hate it. Right now, I'm in the comp lab working on our ISO stuff. Elvish names and things like that.
Hey...they can't just take fantasy away from me like that. It's been part of me all along, and it always will be. Don't they get it? I don't mind living in reality...but only if I can live in fantasy, too. It's just really really sucky how no-one seems to see it. I mean--I know it seems sort of immature and all that. But where would the world be without imagination? Nobody can live in reality forever. They have to have some way to escape every now and then, right?
*sighs* It's like I've been crying every other day. How lame is that?! I'm sick of it all, really. Sometimes I feel like I'm slipping. Like my whole life is just veering away from the right path and heading for some perilous ravine. And once I make another wrong step-- it's game over.

i am NOT a wuss! halo

2005-10-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well. Guess what. I'm at Cine now...and I've just paid my last two bucks fifty to come online here. It's a long story as to why I'm here.
Let's just phrase it this way. Mich bought tickets for Maxy, Nick, Rah, Audrey, Wei En and I to watch the Skeleton Key. I thought it would be pretty rad, so I agreed and went along. [I went to Maxy's church today] And I go into the cinema with everyone. The trailer for 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose' is waaaay freaky! Maxy and I were like screaming and hugging each other...and it's only the trailer, not even the real thing. -__-'' Not fair. Mich had a jacket to cover her eyes.
Anyways. The Skeleton Key is freaky! Maxy and I were hugging each other as tightly as we could, and screaming and I didn't even dare to watch properly. I was majorly freaked. It was about hoodoo and some strange Southerners who practised hoodoo and tried to teach two white children. They even showed how the two Southerners...[who were both in this weird trance and shaking with their eyes rolling]...got killed. Gruesomeness. They were hung, and then they were set on fire. *shudders*
Maxine's here with me now. *mellow* And I'm sitting amidst--*counts*--four grown men! In a gaming centre...0.o...weird.
But ANYWAYS. Mich and Nick and Wei En and Rah and Audrey are still upstairs. I don't know how they can take it...Maxy and I seriously are not gonna be able to sleep tonight.
And when I was watching the movie and trying to get through this super scary bit...I realised that it's not about having the courage to stay in the cinema and get your head freaked off. It's about getting together the courage to walk out on the movie.
Oh well. I'm officially [almost] broke...and I'm going to go back to Maxine's house and get Ithil's wedding with Vash done. And it'll be free there!!! Unlike NOW. Ugh.
Stupid. And no-one is really on chat or tag. Seld's on tag, and a hopelessly few number of people are on chat. And ALL MY IN CHARACTER POSTS ON HIDDEN REALMS GOT DELETED!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I know that I've posted three times without having my charrie bio approved...*angel halo* But ugghhhh. So now, since I have time to kill, I shall work on my charrie bio and HAVE IT APPROVED FINALLY. Wait. I shall insert what Jarucas[the moderator on Hidden realms] said about my charrie:

Re: Tanaquil Seregond
« Reply #10 on: Yesterday at 03:19:22 PM »

I really like the character, but you have not included any strengths and weaknesses. Even if you don't plan for them to ever come into play as you RP this character... they are required to be there in order for the character to be approved for play.There are a couple things that I have little bit of trouble with, but I don't think it would prevent me from approving once you add strengths and weaknesses (which you can add to the original post, by the way).First... an elf having such a dark personality and outlook on life is really odd... but it does make the character rather unique.Second... Her father was skilled in "the dark arts"... that's fine. He was a dark mage. But, the knowledge of using magic is not passed down to the next generation as inherent power. She may have the intelligence and tendancy to learn magic and maybe even lean toward the dark arts, but she would not genetically inherit innate powers because her father learned spells.(Edit: I see that you posted in-character once again without having had your character approved. That is the third time and you've been asked to wait until you are approved every one of those times. All of the IC posts have been deleted and future IC posts will also be deleted, until you have had your character approved.)
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 03:39:21 PM by Jarucas »

Ugh!! So pissing. Stupid charrie bio. *is still stressing over it* Yay...all of 'em have come down. Remind me never to watch a thriller again-- I don't think my heart can take it. XD
Gonna work on my charrie bio now. Cya!

yayness

2005-10-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

Heya. I'm FINALLY back...after a long hiatus.
Well. What can I say? Exams are finally over. I'm at Maxy's house now-- we slept over at Jae's house yesterday. Jae put on Final Fantasy..but Maxy and I were incredibly lost and couldn't follow the plot at all. The only thing that stopped me from falling asleep was the fact that one of the characters in Final Fantasy looked a lot like what Juran would look like...and plus, the title had the word 'fantasy' in it as well. *grins* I was the last one to sleep 0.o Jess dropped off first. And then Jae. Maxy and I tried to wake her up, but what did she do?! She mumbled something and rolled over and went back to sleep. Sheesh. So Maxy and I finished watching 'The Perfect Man', and then watched 'Bewitched'.
Okay...confession time. I didn't really put all my effort into watching, cos I was on the comp.

*glances at msn* Gosh...no-one's on, 'cept for Ammy and Light and a few others. I hate it when this happens...Maxy is using the laptop, and both of us are stuffed cos we had to share a piece of tiramisu between us. It's 1.27 am according to the computer clock...and I'm sort of getting tired.
Today I talked to Itari and Elemm for the very first time over the phone. *grins* It was great. I can't wait for next Saturday. And thanks, Samuel, for helping to conference Itari and I together.
[*is listening to 'She's no you' by JM*] Hmm. I wouldn't normally listen to Jesse Mcartney for nuts...but the comp is on auto musicvideo-play-mode, so yeah. *looks at comp clock* 1.51 am....*sighs*
Yay! My charrie post on Hidden Realms got read 103 times...woot.
Anyways better go now. Cya!

hiatus.

2005-10-03T18:49:00.000-07:00

now look what life's done
i think i'm under too much pressure
i'll have to run away for a while
and take drastic measures

i may be gone for some time
but i'll be back again
and it'll only be a while
till wretched exams END.

questions

2005-09-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

why does she have to be so unoriginal?
cos she cant think of any BETTER ideas.
why does he hate life so much?
cos it's beaten him down.
why does she have to flare up so quickly?
cos she's learnt that she's got to protect herself.
why does he have to be so clingy?
cos he's got no-one else to cling to.
why do they have to bring other people down?
cos they find too much fault with themselves.
why is mugging so stressful?
cos it's the opposite of slacking.
why is the world changing?
cos the end of the world is coming.
why do people kill and lie?
cos they have no value for life.
why do children run away?
cos their home's not a home at all.
why do people stir up war?
cos the world's just a cold, heartless place.
why do innocents have to die?
cos God wants to bring them home from this wretched place.
why is life like this?
cos that's just the way it is.
when will everything turn out all right again?
when Jesus comes. I promise.
why does it hurt so much?
cos you're battered but not broken.
why do i have to be so imperfect?
it doesnt matter. cos God still loves us all anyway <3

this is war.

2005-09-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

When I think about my life
I wonder if I will survive
To live to see I'm 25 or will I just fall?
I call my friends, they just keep dying.
People round me, always crying.
In this place I like to call my home.

Not everyone knows, but everybody goes to a better place.
Not everybody knows that everyone could be living their last days
But the hard times will come, and we'll keep moving on.
We're moving on.
Keep moving on

Life. Hope. Truth. Trust. Faith. Pride. Love. Lust.

All make up the things we've lost
but things we've gained we'll take with us.
All I've got are these two hands to make myself a better man
I wonder if I'll ever see the end of this

With all this rain it just keeps falling
On my head so now I'm calling
Out to someone else to help me make it through
Not everyone knows, but everybody goes to a better place.

Not everybody knows that
everyone could be living their last days
But the hard times will come, and we'll keep moving on.
We're moving on.
Keep moving on

Life. Hope. Truth. Trust. Faith. Pride. Love. Lust. Pain. Hate. Lies. Guilt. Laugh. Cry. Live. Die.

Some friends become enemies
some friends become your family
Make the best with what you're givin
This ain't dying this is livin

Said we're movin on and we've got nothin to prove
To anyone
Cause we'll get through
We're movin on and on and on and on and on and on and on....
Keep movin on

Life. Hope. Truth. Trust. Faith. Pride. Love. Lust. Pain. Hate. Lies. Guilt. Laugh. Cry. Live. Die.

Some friends become enemies
some friends become your family
Make the best with what you're givin
This ain't dying! this is livin.

i love languages <3

2005-09-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

Guten Tag. Entsculdigen Sie mein schlechtes Deutsch- Ich spreche nur ein klein wenig Deutsch. Ich heisse Cara. Ich bin 13 Jahre alt. Ich habe eine Schwester en eine Bruder. Ich habe am 24 Jaunar Gerbustag. Ich comme aus Singpore, naturlich- Wilkommin in Singapore! (: Dies ist mein Schwesters Maxine en Jaime. Sie heisst Maxine, en sie heisst Jaime.
Es war nett, Sie kennenzulernen. Einen schoen Tag noch!

when life resumes again(:

2005-09-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

things i intend to do after exams:

1. Buy the Silmarillion
2. Buy 'The Daughter of the Drow' and 'Silverfall', and any other awesome book I can find about Elves
3. Borrow 'The Curse of the Ring' from Video-Ezy and watch it, although I think the movie is a total rip-off from Lord of the Rings. But then again, that's the main reason why I'm watching it.
4. Watch The Chronicles of Narnia!! Anyone up for this?
5. When in the world is Dungeons and Dragons II coming out as a movie in Singapore? It's already been released in Phuket!
6. Start on a new story
7. Start drum lessons
8. Re-watch LotR for the gazillionth time
9. have a sleepover and force everyone else to watch The Curse of the Ring with me! *evil laugh* Or even worse, force them to watch LotR AGAIN!!! *more evil laughter*
10. Buy more LotR posters for my room. I have no idea where my map of Middle Earth went.
11. Tag on a-u 24/7 [or as often as I'm allowed to]
12. blog, blog, and blog some more!
13. organise 6.4 2004 BBQ
14. have a sleepover
15. Meet up with Elemm and Itari
16. slack
17. slack
18. slack

*sighs* Gosh I can't wait for exams to be over.

-live, not die for HIM!

2005-09-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

life may hurt but that's only normal
i'm gonna walk the path less trodden
i'm gonna wave the flag up high
i won't give in this easily
i'll hold on till my dying breath

and be a WARRIOR FOR CHRIST.

of life and its ramblings.

2005-09-21T04:04:00.000-07:00

piano exam's over! like, finally. i really screwed on some bits, but oh well. what's done's done, and i seriously can't care less any more. I just read a random person's blog I stumbled upon. She's from Singapore, and an lotr fan as well, so yeah. I'm just gonna ramble.

Why can't we study interesting subjects like the history of Middle Earth? I mean, Zhang Qian and Mojenho Daro[ooh...Daro means 'stop' in elvish]...and Chandragupta and Chandra Gupta II are very well--but still. Wouldn't it be so much more interesting to learn about the history of Rivendell? Or the mutilation of the elves; how they were tortured and mutilated until they became orcs. Now that would be awesome to study about, and so much easier to remember, too. I wish our textbook was the Silmarillion. They could give us SBQs on topics like the Kinslaying, the Curse of the Noldor and the Fall of Gondolin. "To what extent did Feanor and his sons' oath eventually bring the curse of the Valar on them?"

New and Improved Time Table:
1. Bio-- study of elvish and hobbit anatomies. Photosynthesis and Respiration of Ents. Classification of Elves, Men, Hobbits and Dwarves. LOL! Who's up to dissect a hobbit?
2. History-- as aforementioned. the history of Middle Earth. Eowyn=the NEW Wu Zetian.
3. Maths-- They didn't do maths in Middle Earth!!
4. Chinese-- Sindarin. Lao Shi...speaking Sindarin? Lao Shi...with pointy ears...? *gulps* Whoa. A little stretching of imagination needed there.
5. English-- Westron. [The common English tongue] Oh cool...Miss Tan teaching us Westron! No more Christopher Boone.
6. Chem-- Uh. Chanting of spells and making water drown out Ringwraiths? Fine by me. O.o...imagine Mrs. Lim MM teaching us how to chant spells in elvish. ROFL!!
7. Philo-- discussion of issues brough up in elven philosophy. Like what? Ask Elrond. Or, if he's busy, ask Ms Chau.
8. P.E-- archery and horse riding!!! oh and did i mention sword fighting? I can imagine Mr Vincent Ong shooting an arrow. After all, his elvish name is Thranduil--the father of the [cute but oh-so-cliched] Legolas Greenleaf.
9. Music and Dance-- Elven dances? No thanks. Elven harp playing..yeah...i might consider.

*sighs* There we go now. That's my dream time table. Unlikely, but true. I like the Sindarin and archery and riding and sword fighting parts. That would seriously be awesome. I wish.

Well, better be going now. Still gotta be revising for Bio. No dissecting of furry-footed folk from the Shire involved here, unfortunately. No Dwarves and their distinguishing features. [quite obviously, their five foot long beards.]
Looks like it's back to normal everyday life for me now. Namarie!

looking back on me.

2005-09-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

dead in her heart
and cold to the bone
she opened her eyes and saw--
she was ALL ALONE.

Life gets so complicated sometimes. I mean, really. It seems like everybody's working their necks off, trying to be the best, trying to get good grades. Sure it feels good to get good grades. I can't deny that. But inevitably--what is the purpose for this? In the end, all this will just fade away. And whatever good grades or great jobs or all the cold hard cash in the world won't make a difference.

Sometimes I feel like life's just a void--empty. Dark. Unfeeling. And sometimes I feel that it's no point struggling; that I should just let myself get sucked down. It's not as if anyone can hear my silent screams, anyway. I believe in standing up for what you believe in. Even if it means standing alone. And those choices can be pretty darn painful sometimes. You can lose friends over them--or your popularity ratings might go down, or you might be treated as an outcast, literally.

Let me ask a question. Do you think it hurts to die? Cos sometimes it hurts a whole lot more trying to stay alive.

People call me a dreamer. They say I should get my head back down from the clouds. But the truth is--it doesn't hurt to dream. It hurts more to wake up.

*sighs* Maybe I should move on from this topic. I seem to just be rambling on and on, without much rhyme or reason. I don't really feel like talking about much. I have too much on my To Do List, and already I feel myself cracking under it all. And one day there's going to be a snap--and trust me, it's not going to be a pretty sight.
I don't normally get riled very easily. But when I do--no one sees it, cos I try to keep it all inside. And one day--it'll just give way under the pressure. And that's when it will happen.
I want to keep faith...but it's so hard.

So I will stand up for myself and wait. I'll be just fine pretending I'm not. And one day, hope will come. It will. I'm sure of it.

-lights, camera...action.-

2005-09-18T03:14:00.000-07:00

darn. i've got so much to do. okay, maybe not a total heap of stuff. but still enough to get me wound up. stupid piano exam...it's been looming over my head like this horrid raincloud. and english aural. ugh. i mean normally i totally love english, but i dont like when i dont have time to prepare. and i still hafta help jae with her english aural--and jae YOU OWE ME BIGTIME. so HA. and the fic, which i have written but only a little bit-and avvy...how do you expect to kill Naren and Aearion tomorrow?? I mean, like, the final battle only just started. It's gonna be so loserish if they die off so fast. *laughs* And I'm not sure if I'm gonna kill Juran. You'll see.

I'm kinda mixed up right now. It's about Griffin--yes, lame, I know. It's like--argh. I dont know what to say. All I can say is that what we had...it's kind of gone right now. I miss the old Griffin. And I hope the old Griffin comes back one day. *sighs* But let's switch the subject. Contrary to popular belief, I have this thing about not blogging about guys, as far as possible. Unless, of course, something really drastic has happened with them and i really need to blog about it.

So....I guess I can only talk about the fic, then. It's kinda ironic, really. I mean--when I don't have the fic book with me, I want to write it reeeally badly. And when I do have it with me [like now], I get writer's block. I think that's got to do with the Law of Somethingorother...cant remember its name. We did a compre about it in English ages ago. Okay, I regress. ANYWAY. The last battle has started [at last]. So here is my analysis of all the fic books we've done:

1. uh. what can I say? this one was kinda weird. but all right, i guess.
2. haha. this book was the transition book. not sure if y'all liked it. for me, it was okay.
3. OMG yes i love this one best of all!! lol. this one had the most action:)
4. this one was the mushy one. *laughs* Tanaquil and Griffin...Kyra and Ravius...Aearion and Naren...all the weird love triangle thingies. But I'm sure you all loved it, knowing you all.
5. Hm. Cant really say much bout this one, since we havent finished it yet. But there's gonna be lots of killing. And death, and loss and screaming and blood. [sounds so totally graphic.]

The other day at school--Hannah, Joo, Shu and I were imagining what it would be like if our fic were to be made into a movie. [sooo unlikely, but heck.] If Hannah was acting as Naren, she would have to dye her hair a light sandyish blonde--and wear blue contacts. And Hannah...you would have to face your worst enemy--MAKEUP!!
And for Kyra. Avril with red hair would be kinda weird, but I think it would still look all right if she dyed her hair a dark brown and tinted it with auburn streaks. And Avvy would have to wear green contacts, and pale foundation. Whoa. Cool, lol.
And me? Since Tanaquil has dark hair anyway, I think mine would be less drastic. Just the greyish green contacts and pale foundation as well.
And Julia as the seductress!! ROFL! Omg i still havent gotten over what you said, Joo, about having no neckline. you sicko. and Shuu would have brown hair and blue eyes:) aww so sweet. and mel with violet eyes....whoa. like some see-into-the-future-person. very cool. and maxine would hafta die in the movie--at the very beginning of the story! lol...awwww.

wonder who would act as Juran. So weird. I cant think of anyone. And how bout Ravius? And Griffin!! *smiles* And I was teasing Hannah about her dahling Ewan McGregor acting as Aearion. EWYUCK. Hey y'know...I think Keanu Reeves would make a pretty good Dylor. I mean, he can carry off the white hair part. But I'm not so sure about the gold eyes. Any suggestions? It'll be soo cliched if Haydn Christiansen acted as Ravius or Juran. Not that I dont like him, fyi. I seriously cant think of anyone who can act as Griffin. But here's Griffin's pic:

See? Now tell me which actor could compare to that. Oh well. But honestly, who dya think could act as Juran? So strange. Or Ravius? Maybe Haydn Christiansen would hafta act as Ravius in the end. I dont know. *grins* Gosh it's so fun just rambling on and on....

However, I do hafta go now. I need to print out my english aural stuff and start practising...ughness. Oh I found a avatar of Hayden Christiansen as Anakin. See if he suits the part of Ravius, k? Here he is..

mmkay. so that's him. and it says 'tears of a sith'. cool yeah? he looks so sad when he's crying.... okay i'd better go now before i start rambling again about the differences between Griffin and Ravius. Namarie!

-school's out.-

2005-09-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

heya. I'm in the school comp lab now, feeling pretty teed off cos the printer just used like half my paper to print someone else's stuff. But now I'm waiting for it to print out more pictures for my portfolio--but it's not printing. it just printed out a blank sheet with weird code stuff on it. ugh. PRINT OUT MY PICTURES!! *feels like kicking printer but is not going to because i'll hafta pay for it if it breaks, which it most probably will* Pictures, you moron printer. PICTURES!!

Oh well. It doesnt look like it's gonna work. I told you printers hated me. They almost act up when I'm around, for some strange reason.

Oh yeah! Today during Values Ed, before any teacher had come into class, Mr Vincent Ong came into class and we all were like, "?? Why're you here?" And guess what? He asked for our fic so he could read it and show it to his friends and his sons. *laughs* So we gave him the 4th book, which we just finished yesterday....the story's moving pretty slowly. We're on the 5th book [and Julia you had it under your desk!!!!!! ] and we havent started the second attack yet! Yeah, I went up to class to get my history textbook and rummaged under my desk...and lo and behold! the 5th fic book fell out from under Julia's desk. *glares very pointedly* Oh well. I'll go back and write more.
There's so much work to do! Like, argh. There's TOEFL tomorrow, and piano exam after that, and a gazillion other things to do. Ughness. [*glances at Avril (she's raving over the 'good soul' who installed Limewire)* O-okay....]
Anyways. I'm really really bored now. Like, bored. Dont feel like going on a-u...no one's there anyway. It's really really strange; like no one goes on a-u nowadays.
Well. gonna make a new blog--the diary of Tanaquil, lol!
blog back later!

the price for peace.

2005-09-13T00:48:00.000-07:00

heya:) me again.
Omg I love the fic. I was writing in it during swimming pe today and after that, Mr. Ong was like, "Can I see your notes, or whatever it is that you're writing?"....and I was like, uh oh. Guess what though...he liked it! He was like, "This is great! I am very impressed!" and "I feel like I'm actually inside the story." Haha. So much for a scolding. Thanks Mr. Ong ^^

Hannah's got the fic now. I want to write in it!! I've just got this really really weirdish-awesomish idea and I wanna write it in, like, NOW. Oh, and guess what. Our very own dear Julia wants to be in the fic. And she was like, " I want Aearion!" And Hannah was like: "NO! He's MINE!!!" and then her eyes widened and her hand flew to her mouth like she just realised what she had actually said...lol. It was so funny. And Julia wants to be a *coughcoughseductresscoughcough* in the fic. I cracked up just thinking about it. Julia, I think you're a better swimmer than a seductress, thanks very much! :P

Whoa. Glorfi aka Chris just sent me this really really really long email for my portfolio. *scrolls down, eyes widening* Gosh. Thanks Chris! *grins*

Anyways. I discovered that our fanfic actually brings up several issues that could be discussed in philo class. So I've listed out what I've found so far:
1. themes of good and evil--- The world is so corrupted and jumbled up that good and evil are hard to define. Who's fighting for who--and what exactly are the characters fighting for?

2. incest--in your opinions, do you think that Kyra falling in love with Ravius would be considered incest? I mean: he is her half-brother, but after all, he isn't her brother by blood. Kyra's parents took Ravius in and raised him as their own, until the both of them [Rale and Draugon Skyblade] were killed. I guess it isn't exactly incest--since like, y'know, Kyra and Ravius aren't related by blood or anything. But still. Just listen to this and see how it sounds: 'Kyra fell in love with her half-brother'. I won't say anything more as yet. You form your own opinion:)

3.sacrifice--okay, there's a LOT of sacrificial message in the storyline, so I'll just state a few. Tari sacrificed herself to save Tanaquil and the other elves. Kyra and Ravius are willing to sacrifice and put their lives at risk, as long as they're together. Arenya sacrifices herself when she rides to Lorien to rally the reinforcements.

4. loss---Loss. What can I say? Tanaquil, at the very beginning, loses her father and mother. Her father was a Maia[one of the highest ranked races] and her mother was a Moriquendi[the elves of exile]. The marriage was looked upon in horror and thought of as unpure. The children of this union had the blood of the Condemned. In the end, Tanaquil's parents were assassinated. So Tanaquil loses her entire family, almost before you start reading the story.
Kyra loses her Jedi heritage. Although she was a skilled Jedi warrior, she eventually turned to the Dark Side and dedicated her powers to evil.
Naren loses a friend. Kyra was as a sister to her--and now the two are bitter enemies,seperated by the division of good and evil.
Juran lost his love. [You'll read more about this as the fic progresses] After losing all hope in love, he fell ill with a malady that nobody could cure. In the end he did die...but he came back to life. The price he had to pay for a second chance at life was his soul.
The reinforcements from Lorien are lost when Kyra kills them off. Many lose family, friends and loved ones in this massacre.
--there're so many more examples...but I'll stop here.

5. destiny---so many things to say about this theme.
Kyra's destiny, or so Ravius tells her, is to turn to darkness and to join the Dark Side. He and Juran both tell her that only then can her strength be channelled into true power.
Naren's destiny...is to die. She will be killed by Kyra--and only then will Kyra wake up with a jolt and realise the truth...that there is no point in power if it only means losing all your friends.
Tanaquil's destiny is also to die. All this is part of the Curse of the Condemned--proven by the rune on her wrist. She will rise to unthinkable power, then will fall. Hard.

*grins* This is nice. I like analysing our fic, lol. Well. I'll blog back later. *smiles* Namarie!

gonna THROTTLE somebody

2005-09-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna crack!!
There's too much work
and too much pressure
and too many priorities on my agenda

HELP!!! There's too much to do! I've got piano exam and xiao shuo and exam revision and portfolios[2 of them] and tuition homework and homework and that horrid Chinese Diploma thing I hafta take this saturday. Darn it all, it's just so hard.
I'm gonna die. I'm probably gonna fail like, really really hard. Omg I'm practically drowning. *hits self* And why am I on msn??!! I know i shouldnt be. but anyways.
omg. omg. major freakout mode.

cut us some slack here!!!

-growing up-

2005-09-11T06:17:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl
I wanted to grow up as fast as I could
I wanted to be as tall as Daddy and Mommy
I pretended to chew gum and wore Mom's makeup
...But it doesnt work that way anymore.

Now that I'm older
I know that I'm wiser
and sometimes I wish that I wasn't
I wish that I was still naive
I wish that I hadnt changed.

I don't know what it is that's happened
But Dad, it's making me afraid
Mom, come and tuck me in again
Like you used to do years ago
Light my nightlight...stay with me.

I dont wanna grow up so fast
I want my freedom but I dont wanna leave home
I know there must be a way outta here
I need to bust out
Bust out

-holiday!!-

2005-09-07T15:24:00.000-07:00

heya! omg you wont believe it. I'm actually at the airport now. I'm using the airport free Internet access thing...
I lost my voice. ugh. so sucky. how'm i gonna talk to anyone?
GOSH i'm gonna miss rping for the next four days. Elemm and Seldie and Angord and Amras and Ali and Alastor and Caris and Loth and GRIFFIN...*hugs* Love ya all. Will miss you.
Well I'll be away in Phuket until Sunday, so I wont cya all till then. *hugs* gtg now! mum's calling!

[insert sanity here]

2005-09-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

It really doesnt make sense. If they want it to be called a holiday--then it should be a holiday in all aspects. I mean--why call it a 'term break' when they just use it as a time to pile more and more homework on us?
But anyway. Nic and I are meeting Elemm on Monday! I am so psyched. Finally...we get to meet someone from Singapore who's an lotr fan. We're all gonna wear caps, so that it'll be somewhat easier to spot each other:)
I wrote the fic! Yes I did...and I'm dying to give you guys a spoiler...but I shant. You'll just hafta borrow it and read it after term break, if you really wanna find out what's happened.
There's been a BIG twist in the relationship between two characters. It involves a kidnapping, a slaying and someone named Dagorion....
Hmm...what else? *thinks* Juran gives Kyra orders that she does NOT want to carry out...and the reason for Juran's wrath against Tana is soon revealed.
lol. this is so cool. Yeah and I know you're all dying to read it. [well at least--i hope so><]. So I had better go write some more.
I'm leaving for Phuket tomorrow...so I wont be blogging for a while. I'm still gonna write the fic while I'm overseas, though. :)
Namarie!

-freak out.-

2005-09-06T04:19:00.000-07:00

heya. I havent been blogging in a long time...I'm trying to sneak blog now:P
Anyways. THERE'SSOMUCHHOMEWORKTHATITOTALLYCAN'TCOPE!!!! Like, arrrghhh! It's not a holiday anymore...ultra sucky. ugh.
and I dont know what to blog about. Except that I found the fourth book of the fic, and it's taking friggin long to type out the second book for the portfolio thing. Oh, and did I mention that I havent even done ONE OF THE MATHS TESTS?!! I'm so freaking out here.
*takes a few deep breaths and calms down a little* Well I'm going to try and do my Chem t-shirt thingy tonight. But I probably WON'T do it in the end, cos I'm going to rewatch Freaky Friday:)
Oh and Griffin came back!!! XD
lol. blog back later, y'all.

school's OUT!

2005-09-01T23:38:00.000-07:00

Heya. *whispers* I'm sneaking on blogger now....my ISO group's going to KILL me!
School's OUT!! And I'm still stuck in school doing ISO....arrgghhh. Haha, our ISO powerpoint is so adowable....lalala. Nic's peeking over my shoulder....she's gonna kill me---but in her dreams. Lol. I'm gonna miss everyone from 1G when the hols start..
Like Maxy( i want my chocolates!!!), Jae, Nic, Avvie, Tingy Too, Yiling, Shuuu, Miao....*sigh* So many awesome peeps. Ah well.
You know---our holidays cant exactly be called a holiday. There's like TONS of work! I'm gonna be sooo bogged down. And if I dont have time to rp, I'm gonna scream. *laughs* Yeah I do know I need to get a life. But it's my life after all....

I saw Griffin online last night. It wasnt exactly what you'd call a happy meeting. It was painful...bittersweet...tragic...*sighs*...everything that it shouldnt have been. This sounds totally soap opera-ey, but I dont care...I'm just rambling. Hopefully I see him online again today or during the Sept hols. But seriously--he was only on for like less than five minutes, and during our meeting, there were lots of tears and anguish and heart rending decisions. ....What I'm talking about? Well. If you really want to know, then ask me and I'll consider telling you.
Argh. This comp cant do a-u tag. And I dont really like chat cos everyone there is pretty random, lol.
Well I'd better blog later! Cya!

-ERROR: random alert.-

2005-08-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Eyo. Me again.
I'm listening to Boulevard of Broken Dreams now. GREEN DAY ROCKS! lol. but seriously they do. I've been listening to their songs nonstop for an hour and a half.
I'm not supposed to be blogging...but oh well. I'm trying to finish up part of my CAP portfolio thingy. It's getting a little tiresome--writing reflections for poem after poem after poem.... And strangely enough, I've noticed a weird pattern in my reflections. Most--wait, no, ALL--of my poems were either inspired by fantasy or by the darker side of life. Weird, no? Lol.
ANYWAYS. I'm bored. Ughness. I found this really awesome site with music video codes. Unfortunately, the videos dont turn up very well on this blogskin, and i dont wanna trash the layout anymore than I already have, lol.
I found my black cuff!!! I'm gonna buy another one today. I'm wearing a hodgepodge outfit now...all black, of course. I've got, like, three bandy thingies on each wrist. A silver bangle, a cuff, and a black wristband. *laughs* Goes to show how weird fashion can get :)

-all i ever wanted.-

2005-08-29T00:13:00.000-07:00

...A mirror can't tell who you are
Don't let it dictate who you're gonna be
Cos I know how it feels to want to kill
But not want to die
How it hurts to smile out loud
The pain that numbs out everything inside
The thing is...everyone will hurt you in life
So all you have to do is to decide for yourself
Who is worthwhile suffering for
So take this razor and sign my wrist
And then everyone can see who left me like this
I'm sick and tired of saying sorry
For things I never did
That girl in the mirror--
She's not me
She's a total stranger
I'm not what you see
Shatter through the reflection
And break the glass
Feel your life run down your hand
And then perhaps you'll understand
Why my paper heart is bleeding
I tried to go on and pick up my pieces
But I cut myself even deeper than before
Snapped my wings when I tried to soar...
....Save me.

sometimes you just need to SCREAM.

2005-08-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

I flew so high...then I fell so hard.

Today SUCKED. Big time. ARGH. I cant even find a word to describe how I'm feeling. Like, I need to bash something or kill it or mutilate it...
If BEAUTY is PAIN then I must be freaking GORGEOUS.
Or let's put it another way. Let's just say....that I REALLY NEED TO VENT.
Ugh. Talk later. Cya all around.

-questions.-

2005-08-26T04:44:00.000-07:00

How high can you fly with broken wings?
How can you sing with a muted melody
How can you run with crippled legs
How can you scream with a silenced voice?

How can you fight for life when you're drowning in a churning ocean
How can you break your bonds when they are crafted from steel
How can you love another when they kill your heart
How can you trust again when you've always been betrayed?

Sorry doesnt cut the matter
Band-aids don't mend a broken heart
Dreams can't take away reality
Wishes can't still the pain

A lifetime of fantasy can't erase the painful truth
A web of delusions can't take away the hurt
An apology isn't enough to make it all better
A moment of childlike happiness only makes it even more bitter

How many questions can be asked in a lifetime
Who can really be loved for who they are
Who can comprehend the great mystery of love
Of the emotions ignited when love and death embrace

Of the quiet reverie in an elven maiden's thoughts
Of the silent turmoil of one of Fae blood--lost and misunderstood
Of all Fair Folk and everything of legend
Have they been lost for all time?

Not a legend.
Not a myth.
Not a fairytale..
...but a living reality.

-revenge of me.--

2005-08-26T00:50:00.000-07:00

FINALLY the week's out. Gosh has it been a tough week....and it's finally Friday.
Avvy's helping me make a new blogskin! It's really really cool and I cant wait til she's done with it so I can start using it:) Fanx Avveh!
Anyways. Someone actually replied to my post on http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Realm_of_the_Elves/ Strange...I thought that site was, like, dead. Apparently not, though.
I'm feeling particularly elfy today. Sounds weird, I know...but it's true. I'm considering wearing mild elvish garb to tuition today. Evenstar/Crest of Arwen, elvishy clothing...uh...elvish headband. But on the other hand, I dont even want to go for tuition. I'd rather stay home. But then again, who wouldnt?
omg we're almost finishing the third book of the fic. And the war's only just starting! It's so cool. Go read it, y'all. Really, really. It wont be a waste of time, I promise.
Want a spoiler? *thinks* Well...right now Kyra and Tanaquil are having a showdown...a duel of the Elements. And Naren has been sent to her room, left behind because she's supposedly too young. And I just knocked Ravius off the cliff in the fic:) Wonder if he's still hanging on there. Like...
Ravius: *clings on for dear life* Uh Kyra...a little help here would be appreciated.
Kyra: Hold on I'm DUELLING.
Ravius: -.-'' And I'm SLIPPING.
Kyra: You can hold on for a little while longer, cant you?
~after three hours~
Ravius: Uh...Kyra....
Kyra: SHH! I'm DUELLING!!!
Ravius: ugh....

*** lol. that was random. but anyways. our fic's getting really awesome, even if i do say so myself. I'm going to work on our fourth book over the weekend. That's right, people, the FOURTH book! Woohoo!
And tomorrow I'm going for Tingy's bdae outing thingy and we're all gonna shop around and we're going into the lotr shop at the Esplanade. I wanna buy the elven crest. Maxine wants to buy her dahling Legolas poster, and I hafta take it back to her cos she's leaving for Switzerland. And I'm gonna take it home and hang it up in my room and create a Legolas shrine...ahaha.
NOT. I'm not a Legolas fan girl. Never was, never will be. :) Although Haldir is NOT a fat elf. He's just...uh....rather well-endowed, that's all. You peeps have NO RIGHT to call him fat. hmph.
anyways. before i get any more lotr-obsession fits, i'd better go now. i'll blog back soon...Griffin comes back tomorrow. :)
Namarie!

-me again.-

2005-08-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

Me here, as always.
I'm in the comp lab with Avvy now. I'm on a-u and outpost; but it's no fun.
I'm kind of pissed with SOMEONE. Most of you wont know him, though. Ugh.
Hello...dude...it's not like I'm stopping you from chasing your dreams. I told you to go after them and you got mad at me for saying that? What sense does that make? Kindly get a life. Everyone would be much better off that way. And STOP saying you love me. If it's not true, then DON'T say it. Just go away and leave me alone...not like I care.

Ha. There we go now. Anyways. our fic's getting along great! go read it...http://www.-theportal-.blogspot.com Everyone's reading it now. And we're going to go into the war now. It's gonna be so cool. It'll be really sad when we finally end the fic..like after three books? Ugh. It's like, argh. I want to see the end product, but I dont want the fic to end...know what I mean?

Today was all right. Almost fell asleep. Last night when I was writing the fic, I fell asleep on my desk right after I wrote the word 'Griffin'. Then I woke up. lol
anyways gtg now....cya!

elven longings.

2005-08-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

Suilaid, mellon amin.
Today I was listening to the Hymn to Elbereth....
A Bereth thar Ennui Aeair!
A Galad ven i reniarhí 'aladhremmin ennorath
A Elbereth Gilthoniel
I chin a thûl lîn i gelair...

It's like...whenever something bad happens to me, I imagine I'm back in Rivendell. Wait--back? Strange. It's not as if I've even been there before. It's something I just can't explain...like, whenever I'm feeling depressed and down, I will listen to my elvish songs and write in the fic; or maybe go on a-u and roleplay a little. Is that escapism? I suppose it is, in a way...a form of escape from reality.
Am I just weird or what? Why must I be so different? I'm probably the only one I know who learns how to speak and write elvish, can conduct somewhat of a decent conversation in Quenya and Sindarin, loves role-playing, and listens to elven songs. It's like...well. I don't know how to say it. I just feel different somehow.
Ignore this if you must---I'm getting in a weird mood. Sometimes when I'm really really down in the dumps and I'm crying; I listen to Enya and I imagine Rivendell. Like, I can see it in my mind, and I can almost see the elves wandering around...and then it sort of comforts me...but I always end up crying harder because of what this life lacks. This life and the life in Imladris is so different...and why I cry harder? Because all I want in this life is enchantment. Magic. Fantasy.
But I know all those things don't exist in real life. They only exist as a figment of my imagination...and yet they can seem so real.

Rithannen i geventhangen
i harnna fennas i daurôl
dûr ristanneneryn echuianneni
ngelaidh dagrarristar thynd,
cúa tawardambedir
Ar sindarnóriello caita mornie,
Ar ilye tier unduláve lumbule...

restless.

2005-08-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

eyo. me again. zzzzz. i'm bored, so bored.
we're pranking people now...dialling random numbers! lol! muahahaha....arent we eevil. >:)
argh. a-u's like, deserted. and outpost...well no one's talking to me...:(...wish Ben would hurry up and come on. *sigh* I met a person called Griffin on a-u today. :) but he went off.....*unhappy*
ugh. i'm stressed. dont think i'll have time enough to finish the project thingy.
someone come and save me...before i die now. ughness....
I'm getting really restless now.

boredom

2005-08-19T01:48:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. I'm not supposed to be on and I'm on outpost--BOTH Minas Tirith and Cloud City cantina...and no one fun is on. ughness.
oh well. today was kind of a bad day. I dont know how to say it. It's not like anything majorly horrid happened...It just felt like a weird, gloomed out day in general. For no reason at all. I guess it's just the small things put together that make it so.
i passed history!!! I actually didnt fail painfully like I thought I would...gosh now that's a weight off my mind. And we're onto the third book of the fic! Thanks everyone who read our fic and gave us comments...*feels loved*...cant wait to start the war, lol. right now in the fic, we're on our way to Gondor.
And I would otherwise be writing the fic now. BUT unfortunately, Av took the fic home to write about some Easterling ambush<---(spoiler!!!). So yeah. I cant do much now.
Oh Ben just got on outpost! I'm feeling a little better now. not totally cheered up. but oh well.
Just now I had this crazy notion to do a Google search on how exactly the Hiroshima bomb Little Boy was made...with the chemical reactions and nuclear stuff and all...ugh....am I going crazy? what was i thinking... well it might be kinda cool. lol! never thought i would say that.
well. blog back later.

-LIFE vs. DEATH-

2005-08-15T06:07:00.000-07:00

Everything's changing so fast. So fast that I don't know if I like it.
Argghhh. I'm confused...my feelings are all muddled up inside. Like...ugh. I don't know how to say this. And if you dont wanna read this, then please just skip it, cos this is just my ramblings.

I hardly recognise myself anymore. People are always talking about the 'old me'. well. the old me isnt exactly dead. She still lives in me, and she always will. But why can't people just take me for ME and learn to love the new me...just as I am?
I feel so estranged from everything that I knew...I feel like I'm a complete stranger sometimes. Like I don't exactly fit in anywhere. Life's a whole roller coaster for me now. Sometimes I'm all the way up there in the skies...then the next moment, I can be on the ground crying. It's kinda scary...and sometimes I just wish that....arghh. Never mind about that.
Sometimes it gets really hard not to think about death and darkness and stuff like that. I guess it's pretty normal. Angst. Moods. Whatever you call it. But I guess it really isnt worthwhile...like God gave us the gift of life. We should live life to the FULLEST...if not for ourselves, then for God and for others. Wouldnt it be so much better to die for God than to just kill ourselves just cos we felt that life had no meaning....when it actually had?

I'm still trying to come to terms with who I want to be...with who I really am. It's a cold hard world out there...but in God's grace we all can do it. Still...I cant help feeling small and insignificant sometimes. Like I dont belong. Like I've been forgotten. there have been times at night where I've scribbled in my diary and most of the words you cant see cos they've all been watered out...
But I know there's love in this world. It's all around me. I just need to break through the darkness and seek the light. Torn spirits can be restored. Ripped hearts can be band-aided:) And so I'm sure....very, very sure...that broken wings can be mended.

-illusions.-

2005-08-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

Wandering in a land of complexity
Questions asked that may never be answered
The still small voice of one lost in the darkness
The shimmering of enchantment held in rapture

A broken heart; pierced by Cupid's arrow
A bleeding spirit; misunderstood
A crying heart that seeks only love
A torn soul seeking only salvation; and all that is good

In a world of fantastical make believe
Escape from the harsh dawn of cold reality
Fantasy: so beautiful compared to the real world
Yet only an illusion; nothing more, naturally

In a world of magic and enchantment
Lost to the world; dreamer from another land
Then reality steps in ; crushes it all
The hourglass turns; lives caught in the grains of sand

Who has the power to heal a broken heart
Where should a dreamer go to seek the light?
Whence lies my solace when over is my part
Torn between two worlds; between day and night?

-lonely.-

2005-08-10T04:47:00.000-07:00

Heya. Me again. Well. My parents are coming back at ten at night today, so I guess I'll make the most out of this post.
Hmm. I'm not going to talk about my rpg life at this moment. Everything's gotten very confusing, so yeah. I just need some time to sort things out.
And hello to you as well, anon. Usually i hate anons like hell but surprisingly, you're rather nice for an anon. Are you Shadowed Wind Rider? You sound a little like him...the way you speak, it's just...I dont know. It reminds me of him. Well, whoever you are--you did leave good advice. And for that, I respect you.

Well, on to other topics. School starts again tomorrow! Sheesh. It was a great three-day break. I loved it...was on the comp every night until like one something am. *sighs* It was wonderful. but now it's back to the mundane routine of life, ughness. I cant believe it.
Everything seems so surreal now...everything's gone topsy turvy. I'm starting to wonder if I should have even let myself start rping in the first place. Not that I regret it, but...now a lot of my friends' problems are weighing down on me. and YES i know i'm gullible. naive. whatever you want to call it. undoubtedly it is good to be a little wary...but we shouldnt be suspiscious all the time. when that time comes...the world will be a horrible place.
But enough of the dark talk already. Yay...Av wrote the fic! She said she wrote some lame stuff about Aearion crushing on me. Uh. Like, Aearion and I were supposed to be childhood friends in the fic. FRIENDS. not SWEETHEARTS! ah well. let's just see how it goes.
Things are getting really confusing. it's like. argh. i dont know how to say it. it's just really gettin me down. But I'll pull through...with God's grace I will.
naamarie.

-an unsung death.-

2005-08-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

In remembrance of a dear friend.
One of my online friends passed away. Not in role playing. In real life. And I have proof. Or to be more specific, she killed herself. Suicide. And at first when I was told, I didnt believe it. I thought the person who told me was just rpging or something. But then it is true. Another friend was in Korea with my friend and he was the first to find out.
I tried emailing Anva, just to make sure. I was like: "please reply ASAP. it's more urgent than you'll ever know."
And I stayed up till one something this morning waiting for a reply. And I logged on again after that. But she hasnt replied. And I know I won't ever get a reply...coz she is never going to be able to read my message.
And it still doesnt seem real to me. I can't cry...because I still havent come to terms with it yet. It still seems like role playing...even though I know it's now. I've been telling myself: Anva, come back to us and stop role-playing!
But she cant. Because she's not coming back.

elvensong.

2005-08-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

Feel the flowing
Hear the song
One with earth and one with sea
Magic growing
Everstrong
An elven spirit lives in me

Like the wind
We must be silent
Everpresent
Yet unseen
Sundered from the Ancient Realm
Hail Elbereth
Our elven queen

And though our kin is far apart
Estel...
The beating of an elven heart
Estel...

Evening star
Set in the skies
Shining down
On elven kind
Song of nature
Elvenwise
Reforge again the ties that bind...

i could have danced all night.

2005-08-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

not.
lol...but the asean scholars' dance was fun. It was called Chorophobia aka Fear of dancing. And we supposedly went for the dance to overcome that fear.
Anyway so I went with Mel and Shu and Ee Leng. At first it was kinda freaky...coz all the people there were so formal! like...gowns and all. and we barely knew anyone...only the scholars from mg. and then we watched some dance and band performances. one band was kinda out of tune...(putting it mildly)...but nobody seemed to mind anyway.
and shu and mel and double e and me felt quite out of it, so we just went to a corner and talked and were lame there.
and then the slow dance bit came. and all the couples started going on the dance floor...and we...*sniff*...had no one, naturally. so we just danced with ourselves:) lame huh? yeah but it was the only thing we could do. then after that came the fast dances. still kinda boring.
then there was this guy who sorta reminded me of...okay this sounds lame. but he reminded me of an elf. like...there was something in the way he carried himself and walked around. he was mostly alone, and, oh i dont know...he just had this elven-lordly kind of air. and he reminded me of one of my online friends, in a way. so eventually i geared up enough courage to dance with him. and it was nice:)
and then three other guys danced with me...so i got three roses! :P yeah it was pretty cool. two of em asked for my number but i didnt give it. then they asked if they could take photos with me, and i said yes. yay. they all were nice.
lol. i stayed until 11.30...and it actually wasnt as bad as i thought. and waltzing isnt quite all that awkward after all.
and it wasnt quite the stereotypical cinderella midnight fairytale dance...but one day that'll come. i'm sure of it.

revenge of me.

2005-08-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

I'm back.
lol unfortunately I'm on a computer hiatus for one week. So I have no choice but to blog in school. thanks for blogging bout me and my blog jia ni! today was okay. TGIF again!!! gosh school is OUT. and the weekend's rolling around...and so is the dance! i am soo psyched. it's gonna be so awesome. although, like, i havent decided what to wear yet. (surprising, yeah?) and also- have i mentioned that i cant dance for nuts? i mean...i can dance salsa, yeah, but NO WAY am i gonna dance salsa with any guy. ewness. lol...yeah but it'll be cool. I'm going with Shu and Mel and Ee Leng. and they all got the awesomest outfits:)
let's see. what else happened?? hmm. oh yeah. i got my phone taken away AGAIN...AGAIN!!! arghness. and my outside computer blew. like, really. something at the back of the monitor just popped and there was this mini explosion. and now my comp doesnt work >:(
but ah well. i am bored. im on a-u chat....and i am still bored. i havent seen Darth on for so long. (ahh if he reads this i am going to be soo....) OMG! he just came onto a-u!
gosh im gonna go chat now. blog back later....

angst.

2005-08-03T00:16:00.000-07:00

i just went and read jia ni's blog. lol. her most recent post was actually kinda interesting. i quote: "can you imagine getting out of this age. where all our blog titles and msn display names seem to be screaming for help. hahaha. like 'i'm lost' or something like that. or these really cheem names that are so like... vague and don't quite mean a thing but you can just picture the darkness and everything. well... in truth i don't think it's that bad. but sometimes you'll just feel this way anyway. "
and i totally agree. well this is an awfully random topic but who cares anyway coz people are meant to be random on their blogs. and what jia ni said is actually true...like just go take a look at all our msn names. how depressive can you get? the mood in my room plunges like a 180 degrees just when i open my msn messenger and see all the dark, depressive names. okay hope you all wont be offended but i've decided to include some of your msn names here, to back up my statement.
Pain will come and pain will go.The worsest thing is when it comes to you.
im already gone.
we all fall sometimes.
you are that fallen angel.
andwhentheheavenspassawayallyourscarswillstillremain.
we're all growing up. (aww this one is so nostalgic!)
take my heart. i dont need it anymore.
how bout i break your heart and then ask you if we can still be friends.
hu am i.
just let me bleed.
this is me dying in your arms.
if you were to slit my throat- with my dying breath i would apologise for bleeding on your shirt.

i mean, really! just take a look at all those screen names...the words 'teenage angst' are like written all over them. i guess angst is pretty all right. from anger and from depression often stems inspiration and ideas. but still. are all teenagers now dark? morbid? depressive?
will we ever look back and muse at how sad and how dark we were when we were teens? and when will we grow out of our teenage angst? argh. i sorta hate the word 'teenager'. it's like a stereotype! like when adults are complaining about how rebellious and how bad you are, yadayada, then other adults just go like, "oh-it's because she's a teenager." i mean, really! as if being a teenager explains everything.

but anyway. as Christopher Boone would say- that was a digression. so back to the topic. so. do you think we'll ever grow out of our angsty moods? omg. wait. just think- in our class, there might be people-our own friends-who might one day even commit suicide. or be killed in an accident. no im not being morbid; i'm just stating a fact that there IS a possibility. like, who knows? one day one person in our class might even be the first woman prez of singapore. or maybe the world's richest woman. anything could happen. and one day...we'll all die. some of us might die at a ripe old age with like tons of grandchildren. others may die young, of unnatural causes. but then all we sisters in Christ will see each other in Heaven....wonder if we'll recognise each other. like, "omg omg! you were the girl in my secondary one class who had the cute funny lion hairstyle right?"
or- "hey wait! you were the rich girl in my sec one class".... or "oh i remember you...you were my best friend in secondary one...."
isnt that nostalgic? gosh. i'm just rambling. maybe i should stop. i've gotta go do geog anyway. AND update my msn screen name...lol.
blog back later!

wondering.

2005-08-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

heya. sigh. today was not good.
first, my contact lenses went wonky and so my eyes hurt like really really bad. argh. and my entire face looked weird (well at least to me it did) and i was soo sleepy. coz i stayed up PAST MIDNIGHT yesterday working on iso. gosh. talk about time management. and then i just wasnt in the mood to talk. i just stoned and was random for most of today. i just felt, like, ugh. forget it.

so our class is forming a band. woohoo. sigh. i'm not sure if i can sing rock. i mean, i do sing it to myself when im alone; but im not sure if i can sing it in front of like everyone. and goth rock is NOT totally last year. i mean, what does it matter if it's 'in' or not? it's like, whatever. as a matter of fact; who cares about pop or rock or hiphop or whatever? we should just go for it and make our own music; and let it fall into whatever genre it happens to fall in. sigh.
it's gonna be so hard to write a teachers' day song if we wanna be a rock band. i mean, ARGH! sure teachers' day is really fun and all...but rock just...doesnt....go.
oh well. im just gonna go in there with the rest and make music. it's what we're supposed to do. and whatever people say, (although i do wish i wasnt so 'operatic') im just gonna try my best. hopefully our band will rock.

rpg shoutouts.

2005-08-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

omg thank you greeky and darth for tagging! i didnt even know you guys tagged until recently...thank you so much.
well i promised the people on a-u that i would write a post about them:) so here it is.
i know lotsa people think i'm obsessed with a-u. but then again, it's pretty natural for me. so. yeah. so here are some shoutouts to some v. special ppl on a-u:

to greekevenstar: i love you! you rock...u've been a really totally special friend to me. thank you for always being there for me....no matter what my rpg status is:) you rock gurl.

to darth: what else can i say? you've changed my life....i love you lots and lots. thank you...for giving up your sith heritage and powers for me. for that, i owe you everything. i love you TONS....

to zieg: heya dude! thanks for all the times you woke deral up for me...and you got punched coz of that...lol! oh oh and for tagging my blog as well. you go dude!

to deral: two words: THANK YOU. you totally understand everything that i tell you...and i know you'll always be there for me. :) *hug*

to Isil: thanks for the accomodations! although i got lost and ended up in your pantry...lol. you've been a wonderful host. hannon le, mellon nin.

to seldrima: SELDIE WELDIE! lol...matchmaker eh? you werent very convincing...haha. thanks for being such a great friend. all the best with caun:)

to elfie: you've always managed to cheer me up! all the best with meri...:) just keep on laughing and making peoples' days.

nienna: yes i got you addicted to a-u! ahahahaha...lol. tana banana, eh? i'm gonna get ya for that:) friends forever!

i love you all TONS! you peeps rock. :)
lovelove, tana.

jesus is HOTTER than OB:)

2005-07-31T00:20:00.000-07:00

sonicfest was AWESOME!!!! omg i so loved it. sonicflood brought the house down. And the national day practice fireworks went off at the same time when we were worshipping...it was so cool.
jesus is HOT! He rules...and He has great plans for us. There is going to be a renewal in our generation...hearts will be set on fire-voices will scream out to Him-souls will be saved-broken spirits healed. Blind eyes will be opened up to the light, He will lift the cripples to their feet; and a song of praise will be put on the silent ones' lips.
Christianity is not a label. it is a heritage...a legacy. One that we all are entitled to, if we will only accept it.
I LOVE YOU JESUS! <3

sonic fest.

2005-07-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

SONIC FEST ROCKED!!!
It was the ultimate. Planetshakers and Sonicflood were like the best! It was awesome. It was the first time EVER that I actually raised my arms to praise God, all the way up. It was soo cool! Everyone was just jumping up and down and lifting their hands and screaming and singing....really a different experience. And the music was LOUD. Really loud. Like, you could scream your lungs out and you still wouldn't be able to hear yourself. And I couldnt even talk to Maxine and Jaime even though I was shouting, coz the music was really rockin.
We saw Miss June Tan there!!! Whee...I know something that you guys dont....*arches an eyebrow* Lol!
But anyway. So there Maxine and Jae and I were, just jumping up and down like freaks and lifting our hands...it felt AWESOME. Everyone was just singing their hearts out and praising God like nothing else mattered.

Later on, we went to the Village to buy some stuff. I got two Nike wristbands! and a beaded ring and a Vertical Rush button and CD:) whee. and we met one of our mgs seniors there! she was like, "oh hello...i'm your senior!" and we were like, "ooohh!" haha. and she was really nice. she helped us get the autograph of one of the guitarists in Vertical Rush. Then we asked her to help us get the autograph of the lead singer, coz she's his sister:)
yayness! blog back later!

love you guys.

2005-07-27T03:49:00.000-07:00

life is a GIFT.
so are my friends. so thank you to:

-maxine!: for lugging my big fat bag and all my stuff to the com lab today when i went to get your brownie for you:) oh oh and for the hugs when i needed it most.
-avril: for pestering me to write the fic. yes yes i'll write it. and i do NOT rummage for bfs on au. anyways. thanks for writing about me in ur blog anyway:) and for the laughs.
-nic: for clogging up my comp with msn windows(jkjk), for sending me to swimming and for everything too:P sorry for getting u addicted to au.
-jae: for being random. it sounds stupid but it makes me laugh. lol.
-jia ni: for grinning at me from across the classroom whenever i ask a stupid question that the teacher pretends not to notice.
-sarah: for saving my life! and lending my your history file to zap. lol.
-shu: for giving me my new nickname: cara cara coo. Sounds weird...but oh well. it's the thought that counts:)
-mel: for helping me get my phone and for walking with me all the way up to the fourth floor
-julia: for making me laugh until i cant concentrate in lesson time. you owe me one. haha. jk.
-hannah: for explaining our philo questions in such an ahem...profound way that i'm even more confused than when i started.
-cheryl: for the loong chats on the phone. thanks for listening to my complaints and being my agony aunt:)

i love you peeps! thanks for reminding me that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. you guys rock.
lovelove, cara.

stereotypes.

2005-07-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

Heyyy. I'm back again.
It's wednesday! omg omg i was soo saved today. I didnt hand up my history file...but Mrs. Ng didnt kill me...i'm still alive:) thank you mrs. ng!!! (okay this sounds corny but it's not my fault! i seriously thought today would be the day of my annihilation....)
Today we got assigned a new IT project...a group one. It's so totally cool...like we asked Ms. Tok to approve our topic. And she did! And we chose a really neat topic...Fashions and Stereotypes in Singapore:P

We had fun doing preparations for our project. (Did you know that there is actually a Goth Convenant in Singapore???) We took quizzes on quizfarm.com for stereotypes. Lol! For one quiz...Avril actually was a cheerleader. Cheerleader. The quiz must have been screwed. Avril? CHEERLEADER? Nuh-uh. Bad thought:D
Jaime was mostly rocker stuff and more to the punk side. Maxine? Trendy and cheerleader. Now why am I not surprised? Nicole's results were sooo predictable. Prep all the way.
Hannah's in our group too...she got loner for one quiz and a tie between goth and loser for another. Hannah? Goth? lol.
And me? My results were kinda weird. I mostly got, like, emo and goth. There was this one quiz that I got drama nerd though. DRAMA NERD? yeah sure i looove drama but i dont wanna be a nerd!!! lol.

Oh and guess what? (spoiler) For our video project, the members of our group will be showcasing, like wearing, clothes that define each stereotype. And I'm modelling for the goth and bohemian stereotypes. ha. i normally hate it when people stereotype others but this project is actually gonna be kinda cool. We're gonna prowl Singapore in search of fashions and stereotypical fashions.....a total excuse and a very VALID one to do some window shopping.
But do you actually think we'll see goths on Orchard Road? Preps, yes. Punks? Possibly. Cheerleader types? duuuh. But goths? Gosh...I really don't know.
Bohemian is niice. And goth? Pretty great too. I'm glad I'm *inverted commas* modelling for those two stereotypes...they'll be awesome to do. Can't wait to get started.
Well. I'm sorta hungry. Gonna grab a drink or somethin now...if i can tear myself away from the comp screen. cya!

heartbroken.

2005-07-24T00:32:00.000-07:00

Would you just do me one favour
I think you owe me that much
It's not gonna happen so suddenly
But one day- it'll come

When I die please will you cry for me
Pay back the tears that I shed for you
Open your eyes and then perhaps you'll see
There was nothing that I wouldn't do

Rest the white roses at my grave
Pay your last respects by my tombstone
And maybe when you gaze into my face
You'll realise how you made me feel-- forgotten

You taught me to fly
You taught me to soar
You gave me everything I needed and more
Then one day you broke my wings
And you let me go....

2005-07-23T01:25:00.000-07:00

'loha. me here. as usual.
well....AS PER NORMAL...i'm on a-u chatting. Lol...I got divetacklehuggedglomped by Anva as soon as I got on. *smiley face*
Deral left for Canada already! Omg...today is soo not my day. I was supposed to meet him again online to say goodbye...but when I went online, Shane said Deral had already left for Canada. Sigh....life sucks sometimes.
I did a random search on the Internet yesterday. And I found this really weird site that compiled teen's suicide notes and poems. Which was seriously disturbing, but I read through the complilation anyway. It could work two ways. Maybe the notes were real. Or maybe they were just faked. And maybe the person who wrote them had no intention of committing suicide at all. Who knows? Maybe now she's just at the beach hanging and flaunting her new tan and trying to pick up a hot guy.
Okay, that was just plain mean of me.
On the other hand though, the suicide notes might have been written by real people who actually intended to kill themselves. Now that's scary. Coz, like, I went through this phase when I was really dark and stuff. Not dark as in tanned dark, duh. As in, morbid.
And at nights these thoughts about death and despair and darkness would just creep in and I would get so freaked and so tense that I wouldnt be able to sleep. And on top of that, I would get really flustered and stressed out because the next day was a school day, and I totally couldnt afford to lose any sleep.And then I would just end up crying myself to sleep. Sound familiar?
Anyways. Speaking of which--I had this weird little prayer when I was young...that God would let everyone just die at the same time. Dont get me wrong...it wasnt meant to be morbid or anything, really. I just prayed that so that nobody would like hafta experience the pain of losing a loved one. And when I was small (okay this is sounding lame) I would pray that prayer and I would worry at night about what I would do and feel if someone I knew and loved died. And guess what happened next? ...yes. I would cry myself to sleep again.
Sigh. Tonight is Sam's concert. I'll be all alone there...I wont know anyone but him. Sheesh. Oh well....guess it's a chance for me to make new friends.
blog back later! love ya peeps!

knock knock.

2005-07-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

suilaid! it's me. as always. who else would it be?
anyways. i'm not supposed to be blogging but I'm blogging anyways coz I'm gonna try and make this quick. TGIF!!!! FINALLY it's friday. I have been waiting ALL WEEK for friday. I love fridays...except for the fact that i hafta practise piano for tomoro. bleah. but anyways!:)
i just went on a-u chat. Guess what? Now this home comp has started crashing on me...I can't even open more than one internet explorer window! sigh...no more tagging in secret and doing work at the same time now, i guess.
Zieg was on, so I asked him to get Deral on. Honestly I felt pretty bad, coz it was like the middle of the night for them in Cali. So zieg mumbled and grumbled, but eventually he did get deral on. Deral only stayed for a super short while though. which was really sad. but he did say that tomoro he gets to use shane's comp for the whole day, and that's good.
But enough about lotr rpg for this post! lemme think....hmmm.....
oh yeah! today during philo, we were given this incredibly hard problem involving an Erwin Schrodinger. And we totally didnt understand. So we started rapping the words of the phil problem...omg you should have heard joolia!
I laughed until I almost knocked my table over when I was clinging on for balance. And then joo started singing the words to the tune of 'supercaligfragalistic(i cant remember what comes next'. and that was even funnier! all the other groups were like hard at work solving the philo problems...and there was our group, rolling around in convulsions of laughter. retarded.
well. better go now. i'm typing this in my school-u and i wanna get into my normal clothes.
i'll blog back later!

randomness strikes again.

2005-07-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

lo ! me here again.
sigh. remember how i said i meant this to be an anonymous blog? well. seems like me frienzies found out! :)
Maxy: HELLO PERSON.. I KNEW A LONG TIME AGO. ALREADY... SO LONG AGO.....

Cara; Yeah. reeal long ago. Like, yesterday.
Deral's leaving for Canada this saturday...that is, tomorrow. I was supposed to meet him online tomorrow...but I'm going for Finrod's chamber orchestra thingy, so I can't. He and zieg both live in Sacramento, California.
Lol! Somebody is going to be wearing a blazer and a bow tie tomoro...omg i'm going to die of laughter when i see him. Guess who it is??!!
Today during philo, me, joo, shu, hannie and I thought up new names for each other.
Shu's is Sabrina, Julia's is still Julia, Hannah's is Laura and mine is Belle. belle??!!! okay. that is so....prim and properish. i guess it's okay....but i still prefer tanaquil. lol.
i wonder who the someone(very obvious who) will look like in a blazer. AND a bow tie. I am soooo bringing a camera.
lol! well. blog back later. cya!

me again.

2005-07-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

hey . me here. i'm here at the school comp lab again. I actually felt pretty bad before, coz I was like chatting on a-u.com. Anyways. Now I'm typing out my Bio reflections, so you cant blame me. Ha.
Today was kinda okay, I guess. Math tuition today was cancelled, so I'm pretty free. I'm wondering if I should keep this an anonymous blog. Then I can just post my thoughts and feelings here. And no one will know who I am. And that way, I can say more stuff that I REALLY feel. Hmm. No blog beats a good diary, though.
ooh. this comp is taking so long to load my hotmail. yayness-got it! anyways, wanna see the email that Deral sent me? Well, I'm going to show it to you anyway:) :

hey this is deral great poem babe yeah i think we wont be goin there any more it sux and our hols are just short must suck fer u to walk that long away huh lol and we just keep our selves busy durin the night we dont even drop an eye lid not even the slightest bit oh and i forgot to tell u on saterday ill have to leave and visit canada for two weeks! so i wont be here long and im gonna miss u hella bad but i will never forget u and i learned from shane to look on the bright side of things so i guess the bright side is that ill still be able to see u lol any waz talk to ya later *hug and kisses* love u lotts cya

--isnt that sweet? I had a hard time reading it though, coz he doesnt really use much punctuation. lol. he's going to canada? it aint fair.....ugh ugh ugh. And shane's stupid sister was the one who got him banned from a-u. Apparently, she logged in as him and did some...stuff. Dont know what....he was pretty vague bout it.
I miss them already! no one fun was on chat....
oh well. guess i'd better go finish my bio. i'm feeling sooooo guilty. cya!

my cracked up rpg life.

2005-07-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

helloo.
i. am. so. friggin. bored.
So here's what's going on. Picture this: I have just finished an incredibly difficult Chinese test. I am now in the school computer lab, using this comp which cant tag on a-u.com, and chatting to no one in particular on the chatroom.
*voice drips with sarcasm* Doesn't it sound like fun?
ooh ooh i know. Let me update you on my rpg life. Which right now, is really confusing.

And yesterday I was on chat and I got teased by hell by somebody(ahemahem) who said I liked Leon in rpg, and started tagging it all over the chatroom. let's just say this: I got really pissed. really, really, really pissed. I HATEHATEHATE it when people tease me bout my rpging. Argh.
Anyways. I just heard from Pip that INU!! GOT!! BANNED!! FROM!! CHAT!!!!
is the world coming to an end? inu, banned from chat? maan. this is not my day. and i havent seen thaydin for like, what- 2 weeks?

ooh. but I did talk with Deral today. Apparently he and Inu are neighbours...lol.
Deral is really nice. Really sweet....but he's not on chat now-.-'' and neither is Inu.
I am bored to death. No one fun is on chat! and the stupid comp cant tag!!! *argh*
Sorry. I'm just rambling on and on and on about rpg....you're probably totally lost now. But you really didnt hafta read this....but thanks for reading it anyway. *huggles*
but still...rpg rocks, it really does! im gonna go bore myself now..maybe i'll blog again later. cya!

2005-07-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

heya! it's me again:)
well. I'm in school now. We just finished doing a weird dichotomous key thingy....and now we can use the comp! yayness!
ohoh and guess what? my mum said that since I am now paying for my own phone bills......*drum roll* (yeah wadeva) .....I dont need to follow my sms curfew!!!! i am sooo psyched! gosh i was up till late last night, just smsing and smsing and smsing.....
I havent gone on arwen-undomiel for so long. well, I have....but I havent really had the opportunity to tag or chat, if you get my drift. So now I'm waiting for this screwed up comp to load the chat room, since all the MG comps cant do tagging.
Oh good. it's finished loading. cya later!

uncertain

2005-07-17T03:28:00.000-07:00

i dont know what to make of this
is this what i think it is
dont dare to make the first move
for fear that i would lose you

you make me feel so loved
then you ignore me totally
could you just please make up your mind
stop hurting me like this
stop hurting me

you're the one i can always talk to
when i'm with you i feel secure
but now i'm not sure what i want
i've got this feeling there's so much more

do you know how i've cried for you
the scars I have are proof enough
how many times i've wept myself to sleep
do you know?
do you even know?

Do not weep by my grave...

moved.

heyy.

gosh.

gosh.

ramblings.

slipping.

of duels and desktops.

only me

keep clear.

reality vs fantasy

i am NOT a wuss! *halo*

yayness

hiatus.

questions

this is war.

i love languages <3

when life resumes again(:

-live, not die for HIM!

of life and its ramblings.

looking back on me.

-lights, camera...action.-

-school's out.-

the price for peace.

gonna THROTTLE somebody

-growing up-

-holiday!!-

[insert sanity here]

-freak out.-

school's OUT!

-ERROR: random alert.-

-all i ever wanted.-

sometimes you just need to SCREAM.

-questions.-

-revenge of me.--

-me again.-

elven longings.

restless.

boredom

-LIFE vs. DEATH-

-illusions.-

-lonely.-

-an unsung death.-

elvensong.

i could have danced all night.

revenge of me.

angst.

wondering.

rpg shoutouts.

jesus is HOTTER than OB:)

sonic fest.

love you guys.

stereotypes.

heartbroken.

knock knock.

randomness strikes again.

me again.

my cracked up rpg life.

uncertain

i am NOT a wuss! halo